All Juice, No Joy

Let’s not waste time: non-alcoholic wine is terrible. Every bottle I’ve tried - white, red, rosé, sparkling - has been somewhere between disappointing and outright offensive.

Those who know me, know that I’m not here to tiptoe around the truth or sugarcoat it for the wellness crowd. Non-alcoholic wine, as it stands today, is undrinkable.

Now, before the hate mail starts rolling in or being accused of being anti-sober, let me be clear: I have no issue with non-alcoholic drinks. Non-alcoholic beer? Fantastic. Some of it is so good, I’d drink it even if I wasn’t skipping alcohol. The non-alcoholic spirits category?

Surprisingly strong, with some genuinely creative and well-crafted options. I’m all in favour of more choice, more inclusivity, and more thoughtful drinking. Pregnant women, designated drivers, people who just want to feel sharp and healthy the next day - this is a growing market, and one that definitely matters.

But non-alcoholic wine? It’s like the black hole of this space. It promises sophistication, complexity, and a winelike experience, but delivers a watered-down juice bomb with all the complexity of a melted ice cube. The problem isn’t the idea. I think the problem is the execution.

Wine is a complex thing. It’s not just fermented grape juice. It’s composed of structure, body, aroma, acid and tannins that come together in perfect balance. It’s a chemical symphony built by time, terroir, and alcohol.

Strip out the alcohol, and you strip out a fundamental piece of what makes wine, wine. In fact, alcohol is what gives wine body, texture, warmth, and acts as a carrier for aroma and flavour. Remove it, and you’re pulling a leg off the table. It’s like making a decaf espresso and expecting it to taste like the real thing. Only much worse.

Some producers try to salvage flavour by reverse osmosis or vacuum distillation, but none of them seem to have cracked it, in my opinion. Whilst they manage to get alcohol levels down, they also remove the vital volatile compounds that make wine smell and taste the way it does. What's added back often feels artificial or unbalanced.

The result is always the same: flat, flabby and soulless. It’s usually thin and sour, like someone squeezed a lemon into a glass of stale water and called it Chardonnay. Don’t even get me started on the reds. They're the worst of all.

And yet, I keep trying them. Why? Because I really want this to work. While I’m a wine drinker, I’m also quite the sports nut and someone who values his health. I’d love to have a non-alcoholic wine I could drink after training, at lunch, or on a weeknight when I want the ritual of a glass without the booze. I don’t need it to be the perfect replica of a 2016 Barolo, but I do need it to be drinkable and right now, it’s not. I don’t think I’m asking too much.

Still, I’m not giving up hope. Look at non-alcoholic beer. Ten years ago, it was a joke. A sad, foamy, joke. But today there are craft brewers nailing it. Crisp lagers, hoppy IPAs and rich stouts. You can find non-alcoholic beers that don’t just hold their own, they beat some full-strength options on flavour.

Spirits, too. Seedlip had opened the floodgates, and now we’ve got bottles that mimic gin, whisky, even tequila with surprising success. Sure, some of it is more about the experience of the ritual of pouring, mixing and sipping, but they’ve definitely cracked something. They’ve understood that if you can’t replicate the full effect, you have to reinvent it in a way that still satisfies.

Wine just hasn’t caught up. Maybe it’s the complexity. Maybe it’s the centuries of tradition weighing it down. Or maybe the people making it are still stuck thinking that ‘grape must’ and clever branding are enough. I’m sorry, but they’re not.

Maybe what the non-alcoholic wine world needs is what the craft beer world had; rebellion. Winemakers who aren’t trying to fake a Bordeaux but are inventing something new. Something bold. Something with backbone. Tannins, acidity, mouthfeel - these aren’t optional. Neither is the psychological pleasure of opening a bottle that smells and tastes like care went into it.

I’m convinced technology will get there. The demand is already here. But the quality is lagging. So yes, I think non-alcoholic wine is horrendous right now, but I’m rooting for it and when it finally succeeds I would be the first one to have a glass of non-alcoholic wine the night before a long training session.

Also, because the world needs better options. Because we deserve something better than glorified Ribena. Because there are times when I want the glass, the swirl, the aroma, but not the buzz. And because I believe that with the right brains, money, and attitude, someone will eventually crack the code.

Until then, I’ll stick to water, coffee, or a really good nonalcoholic beer. And I’ll keep trying every new non-alcoholic wine that hits the shelves, hoping, just maybe, one of them won’t taste like grape-scented regret.